To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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