Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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