on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
