Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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