Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
