I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your cock deserves a montage
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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