that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
