we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize