My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
