I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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