he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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