I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
