it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
