I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
