I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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