he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
