YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
