i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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