i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
