I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
