Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
