A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have demons in me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Less talking, more tequila
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.