I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
