dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
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Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.