I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
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I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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