THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
