Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
