If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
