I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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