: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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