shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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