Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
