Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
