i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
