if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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