Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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