I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
