4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
