so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
