how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been