my phone needs a breathalizer
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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