my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
