And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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