I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
