someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
