Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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