ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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