hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
