Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
