i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
