I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
