I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
