I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Someone came in the potted fern
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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