I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
