i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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