I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
