Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
