3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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