so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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