Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
