Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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