You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
