Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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