He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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